Rantazilla

I am going to rant in calmest way possible;

I really believe that peace begins with oneself. If one can’t be positive and accepting of any events, situation, and/or feedbacks then of course a conflict is already existed there. It’s not easy – I am very much guilty of spreading more than enough negative energy, and for that I am having my long journey in attempts to cancel my previous acts and instead commence spreading positives. But I have difficulties staying focused when I encounter individuals who throw money at me (or mistreats money in general), especially when such individual is a parent (or parents sometimes!)

I just served a mother with 3 young children; she was treating each of the kids with some ice cream. Now I must mention for their sake, that the mother and kids have basic social pleasantries as they were very polite with words. The issue for me was at the end when the mother threw a bill at me to pay.

I understand it’s (early) evening now and the mom’s probably very much exhausted having to deal with three energized young kids all by herself, but that doesn’t give any justice of her attitude in the end. I can understand her exhaustion as a parent. But mistreating money? That is the same as mistreating any bodies in my eyes.

I am pretty proud of myself for remaining surprisingly calm, and for not throwing her change back in her face. I even handed her change back to her, instead of leaving them on a counter (which by the way is my usual response to such customers but I also know they will give me a piece of their mind in annoying way possible if I do that).

So hear me out … (or not)

I believe in karma. What I do or say will come back to me, or at me.

I would like to have a happy blessed life. I have had a very blessed childhood despite all the crap that did happen, so that made it easier for me to start returning the kindness and assistance back to community/people. I do the same with money.

I am not poor but I am not rich.

To be honest, my family are just surviving in this over-priced city while we are paid lower minimum wages than other communities. But we have a house (rental but still a house) with fenced yard for the kids to safely play in, we have food, we have ways (options!) to clean ourselves, and most importantly we are all together. There’s nothing richer than what we already have.

Don’t judge me yet – I am very much guilty of being greedy and wanting more. But that said, I must go back to my thankfulness side and mention that I have a job – jobs to be exact. While few people may have hard time finding jobs to support oneself, I got 2 jobs. I have to take care of my needs and desires (not yet a shopaholic but getting thereπŸ˜…). How did I get so lucky to find not just one but two jobs?

Karma.

My weekend job is at a place I once worked at during my early 20s. The boss and I kept in touch, however very minimal, but my work attitude was valued well that they welcome me back with warm hearts whenever I am in need of getting a job. They know how honest I am and how fast I work, that they prefer to pay me OT than to hire bunch of other minimum waged people. This is a perfect case of my motto:

Quality over quantity.

But it is quite far from home, so I went out in my neighborhood to look for a second job. I knew what kind of work I wanted to do, and one day I found a hiring sign so I went and applied. I pretty much got hired on the spot. They have been giving me shifts for every single available days I’ve told them.

Seriously, how blessed am I?

VERY MUCH SO! is my answer.

So now I have this awesome energy flow started. I don’t need to be a millionaire; it would be wonderful but I know I would never be fulfilled if I had that kind of money.

I would definitely always choose a hard life over a greedy life. And this is because I know for a fact that I won’t be happy if I’m living in above average lifestyle.

I have witnessed enough people complain about money, and one thing that stood out the most is that such people have no respect for anything. They are rude, they don’t know their stance, they constantly have to have someone they can look down on. They are too busy trying to prove their existence and importance to the world that they forget morales and values; pretty much they forget to be humane.

While it is very important to be aware of current events and keeping the grounds solid, I believe that sharing peace with anything is equally powerful.

I talk to birds (crows especially);

I talk to flowers and trees;

I talk to spiritual beings that I believe in;

I talk to TV;

I talk to pretty much everything and anything – both good and bad talks. But through that, I have gained more insights on myself. It helps me remold my mind for the better.

#parent #parents #money #rich #poor #happiness #gratitude #positive #negative #energy #energyflow #karma #humane #morale #virtues #bpd #mental #awareness #borderlinepersonalitydisorder

Mamallergy

[BEEP]

My phone buzzed.

I look at it, and I am knocked out.

No, my phone didn’t punch me.

Nope, nobody attacked me.

Regardless, every time I hear my phone rings or buzz, and I see who’s making such alerts, I feel as if I’ve been dragged into a fight that I never want to be part of. This ongoing (internal) battle with this one particular individual has made my life somewhat colorful. Sometimes I even feel itchy, and quite often I have to go out for some fresh air.

No, I don’t actually have any allergies. But when my mother calls or texts… I wish I do break out in hives so I can give her legit reason to stop bothering me.

She is a great person and without her I wouldn’t be here. But I am f*cking exhausted of her treating me as her property.

Long while ago, when I was in denial and unaware of my anger issues, I finally found the courage (thanks alcohol!) to ask her why she treats me the way she does. And her response has forever left a sting somewhere in my head;

“I don’t treat you bad! How rude. Without me, you wouldn’t be here! And because you are my flesh and blood, for as long as I live, you have to watch your attitudes. And no tattoos, no piercings, no hair colorings, NO NOTHING of anything you know I despise!”

And with that, I think a part of me just died.

…. to be continued ….

#mamallergy #family #problems #heritage #iamabanana #sheisalemon

Childom

After about 2 years of not working, I am finally back working. I actually did not expect to be this satisfied and fulfilled with my returning to work. It gives me a great change from my daily chaos, which works in its own therapeutic way. The commute is just under 2 hours (I take transit); I can color with apps, I can finally get back into reading, and occasionally I run into hilarious-insanities.

I am quite an impatient person, but I am starting to realise that I’m often impatient with ignorance, arrogance, and hypocricy. I just can’t control my temper too well when I am triggered with all three. But other times, I’m just a happy being – like a child in a toy store or candy store (you get my point).

That said, I like myself when I’m at work. I’m just naturally perky, energetic and just HAPPY. I like seeing people smiling as they leave my work, and this very act is the most effective ‘medication’ for my condition (BPD). I still have to take my daily chemicals (aka medicines from pharmacy) but it’s nice to experience different things and make mental notes of what works with me in the most natural form.

I have to find the perfect balance of being a mom while keeping my inner child to remain more “inner”. I just got to find ways to be a childom (child + mom) so I can become the ideal mom I once pictured.

Oh maybe that’s why I have my struggles. Perhaps it’s not the public’s stares or media messages. My once mentally drawn image of the ideal mom, is probably what gives me the big fall down when I become rocky mooded.

With my BPD and once-a-very-suicidal-period history, I am paranoid that if I act in certain way, someone will not approve and make a report. I don’t ever want to lose my kids! And theny mind will play its wonderful game of avalanching down with What Ifs and Should’ve-Would’ve-Could’ves.

Kids generally don’t over think too much. Right?… I should stop overthinking from nothing. Yeah, that’s what I can focus on for this week. Weekly goals; I can try this method. I’m going to try the method.

Anyways, going back on Inner Child and Mom thing…

When I’m at work, people just assume I’m a student. My boss even tells me how “cute” I am “like a child”. And in all honesty, I like hearing people tell me that I’m cute. It is natural booster for mood and confidence. And then I’d hear the comment from a customer (sometimes in plural), which pushes the happy-o-meter to be at its max.

Looking young is one thing, but I don’t really care for physical appearance. I want to stay child-like for as long as I can. It allows me to identify any discriminative thoughts I may hold within, so I can look for alternate views. This practice really has helped me overcome a lot of situations. Situations that I used to call “problems”; it was just my naive self that created a situation to become a problem.

I still don’t feel comfortable to state that I “like people” but I am definitely making a positive progress. I can casually have conversations with strangers now, while maintaining being sober (used to be an alcohol enthusiast at one point).

I really don’t know how to conclude this post as I feel the writing was somewhat all over the place. This post is definitely one of those where my fingers typing what I hear in my head.

Being a child at heart has been super great for me at work, and for playing with kids. Now I gotta combine my refreshed self with my daily irritated mom self…

The challenge, is accepted!!

#bpd #child #heart #mind #innerchild #childom #challenge #parenthood #mental #conditions #disorders #public #community #thoughts #journal #trainofthoughts

Weirdormal

“You are such a Weird-o!”

W exclaimed one night as we played MTG. He appeared dumbfounded as he made the comment, but he seemed to be stunned more when I replied,

“That, seriously, is The Best compliment anyone can ever give me!”

I am quite strange. I must admit that. But I like being different. I was told, still am today, that every individuals are unique and different. So my philosophy – just like most – is BE THY SELF; DIFFERENT IS GREAT. But now that I am a mother, I face the social dilemma of being my true self and how I am supposed to be.

BS? Excuses? Maybe.

Maybe what I feel and think right now is an excuse or a BS to some. But for me, it is the most difficult obstacle course. I’ve been challenging on the course (aka Mental Illness) for over a decade now. It is not easy. Despite my conditions, I still chose (and planned) to have my kids. Stupid decisions? Perhaps. Sometimes I feel that way myself. However, there is nothing in this world that can teach me what I need to learn, other than to learn from and through my own kids.

Now, I just feel obliged to clarify, that I am by no means putting any weight or pressure on my kids with my previous statement. First of all, I love them so much, no matter what. Sometimes I have to say it out loud to prevent the temper from escalating at exponential rate.

What I mean is, because the kids are kids, I have no choice but to learn to adapt to the changes and deal with challenges thrown in our faces through parenthood. My kids have taught me, just from being themselves, a huge deal of Love and Patience. Currently they are giving me the challenge to be more Creative with how I can parent them (they are polar opposite characters and yet want to do exactly the same things with each other).

Right now, I am on daily medications to manage the mental department. I abso-effing-lutely hate it, but I know I need to take them right now.

I feel ashamed that I am not a ‘healthy’ mom as the vast majority of public would say, but at the same time I want to teach my kids the importance of valuinΔ£ oneself and be independent from all kinds of pressures the world will throw on our shoulders.

That is my daily challenges I face today.

I’m here, writing about my problems, with hopes that I’d discover more insights and therefore rebuild my foundations to be solid. In a way, my mission (or just simply a ‘goal’) reminds me of Green Lantern: willpower.

 

 

 

 

#parenthood #bpd #bpdmamaof2 #mom #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #cbt #dbt #insight #mentalillness #mentalconditions #journal #challenge #treasures #kids #mtg #greenlantern #willpower

Thank You

I forgot just how much I adore the phrase/word…

β˜†β˜†β˜†β˜†β˜†β˜†β˜†β˜†

Thank you girls for choosing me as your mama πŸ’—πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘§β€πŸ‘§πŸ’—

β˜†β˜†β˜†β˜†β˜†β˜†β˜†

magic

Life is good, if you believe it’s good.

When you believe, it just happens.

You’re the pebble, thrown into the pond of happiness.

Universe Mother Earth Karma Gods will praise you.

 

 

Inspired by my girls.

March 1. 2019. 20:57 PT.