“You are such a Weird-o!”
W exclaimed one night as we played MTG. He appeared dumbfounded as he made the comment, but he seemed to be stunned more when I replied,
“That, seriously, is The Best compliment anyone can ever give me!”
I am quite strange. I must admit that. But I like being different. I was told, still am today, that every individuals are unique and different. So my philosophy – just like most – is BE THY SELF; DIFFERENT IS GREAT. But now that I am a mother, I face the social dilemma of being my true self and how I am supposed to be.
BS? Excuses? Maybe.
Maybe what I feel and think right now is an excuse or a BS to some. But for me, it is the most difficult obstacle course. I’ve been challenging on the course (aka Mental Illness) for over a decade now. It is not easy. Despite my conditions, I still chose (and planned) to have my kids. Stupid decisions? Perhaps. Sometimes I feel that way myself. However, there is nothing in this world that can teach me what I need to learn, other than to learn from and through my own kids.
Now, I just feel obliged to clarify, that I am by no means putting any weight or pressure on my kids with my previous statement. First of all, I love them so much, no matter what. Sometimes I have to say it out loud to prevent the temper from escalating at exponential rate.
What I mean is, because the kids are kids, I have no choice but to learn to adapt to the changes and deal with challenges thrown in our faces through parenthood. My kids have taught me, just from being themselves, a huge deal of Love and Patience. Currently they are giving me the challenge to be more Creative with how I can parent them (they are polar opposite characters and yet want to do exactly the same things with each other).
Right now, I am on daily medications to manage the mental department. I abso-effing-lutely hate it, but I know I need to take them right now.
I feel ashamed that I am not a ‘healthy’ mom as the vast majority of public would say, but at the same time I want to teach my kids the importance of valuinģ oneself and be independent from all kinds of pressures the world will throw on our shoulders.
That is my daily challenges I face today.
I’m here, writing about my problems, with hopes that I’d discover more insights and therefore rebuild my foundations to be solid. In a way, my mission (or just simply a ‘goal’) reminds me of Green Lantern: willpower.
#parenthood #bpd #bpdmamaof2 #mom #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #cbt #dbt #insight #mentalillness #mentalconditions #journal #challenge #treasures #kids #mtg #greenlantern #willpower