Childom

After about 2 years of not working, I am finally back working. I actually did not expect to be this satisfied and fulfilled with my returning to work. It gives me a great change from my daily chaos, which works in its own therapeutic way. The commute is just under 2 hours (I take transit); I can color with apps, I can finally get back into reading, and occasionally I run into hilarious-insanities.

I am quite an impatient person, but I am starting to realise that I’m often impatient with ignorance, arrogance, and hypocricy. I just can’t control my temper too well when I am triggered with all three. But other times, I’m just a happy being – like a child in a toy store or candy store (you get my point).

That said, I like myself when I’m at work. I’m just naturally perky, energetic and just HAPPY. I like seeing people smiling as they leave my work, and this very act is the most effective ‘medication’ for my condition (BPD). I still have to take my daily chemicals (aka medicines from pharmacy) but it’s nice to experience different things and make mental notes of what works with me in the most natural form.

I have to find the perfect balance of being a mom while keeping my inner child to remain more “inner”. I just got to find ways to be a childom (child + mom) so I can become the ideal mom I once pictured.

Oh maybe that’s why I have my struggles. Perhaps it’s not the public’s stares or media messages. My once mentally drawn image of the ideal mom, is probably what gives me the big fall down when I become rocky mooded.

With my BPD and once-a-very-suicidal-period history, I am paranoid that if I act in certain way, someone will not approve and make a report. I don’t ever want to lose my kids! And theny mind will play its wonderful game of avalanching down with What Ifs and Should’ve-Would’ve-Could’ves.

Kids generally don’t over think too much. Right?… I should stop overthinking from nothing. Yeah, that’s what I can focus on for this week. Weekly goals; I can try this method. I’m going to try the method.

Anyways, going back on Inner Child and Mom thing…

When I’m at work, people just assume I’m a student. My boss even tells me how “cute” I am “like a child”. And in all honesty, I like hearing people tell me that I’m cute. It is natural booster for mood and confidence. And then I’d hear the comment from a customer (sometimes in plural), which pushes the happy-o-meter to be at its max.

Looking young is one thing, but I don’t really care for physical appearance. I want to stay child-like for as long as I can. It allows me to identify any discriminative thoughts I may hold within, so I can look for alternate views. This practice really has helped me overcome a lot of situations. Situations that I used to call “problems”; it was just my naive self that created a situation to become a problem.

I still don’t feel comfortable to state that I “like people” but I am definitely making a positive progress. I can casually have conversations with strangers now, while maintaining being sober (used to be an alcohol enthusiast at one point).

I really don’t know how to conclude this post as I feel the writing was somewhat all over the place. This post is definitely one of those where my fingers typing what I hear in my head.

Being a child at heart has been super great for me at work, and for playing with kids. Now I gotta combine my refreshed self with my daily irritated mom self…

The challenge, is accepted!!

#bpd #child #heart #mind #innerchild #childom #challenge #parenthood #mental #conditions #disorders #public #community #thoughts #journal #trainofthoughts

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Weirdormal

“You are such a Weird-o!”

W exclaimed one night as we played MTG. He appeared dumbfounded as he made the comment, but he seemed to be stunned more when I replied,

“That, seriously, is The Best compliment anyone can ever give me!”

I am quite strange. I must admit that. But I like being different. I was told, still am today, that every individuals are unique and different. So my philosophy – just like most – is BE THY SELF; DIFFERENT IS GREAT. But now that I am a mother, I face the social dilemma of being my true self and how I am supposed to be.

BS? Excuses? Maybe.

Maybe what I feel and think right now is an excuse or a BS to some. But for me, it is the most difficult obstacle course. I’ve been challenging on the course (aka Mental Illness) for over a decade now. It is not easy. Despite my conditions, I still chose (and planned) to have my kids. Stupid decisions? Perhaps. Sometimes I feel that way myself. However, there is nothing in this world that can teach me what I need to learn, other than to learn from and through my own kids.

Now, I just feel obliged to clarify, that I am by no means putting any weight or pressure on my kids with my previous statement. First of all, I love them so much, no matter what. Sometimes I have to say it out loud to prevent the temper from escalating at exponential rate.

What I mean is, because the kids are kids, I have no choice but to learn to adapt to the changes and deal with challenges thrown in our faces through parenthood. My kids have taught me, just from being themselves, a huge deal of Love and Patience. Currently they are giving me the challenge to be more Creative with how I can parent them (they are polar opposite characters and yet want to do exactly the same things with each other).

Right now, I am on daily medications to manage the mental department. I abso-effing-lutely hate it, but I know I need to take them right now.

I feel ashamed that I am not a ‘healthy’ mom as the vast majority of public would say, but at the same time I want to teach my kids the importance of valuinģ oneself and be independent from all kinds of pressures the world will throw on our shoulders.

That is my daily challenges I face today.

I’m here, writing about my problems, with hopes that I’d discover more insights and therefore rebuild my foundations to be solid. In a way, my mission (or just simply a ‘goal’) reminds me of Green Lantern: willpower.

 

 

 

 

#parenthood #bpd #bpdmamaof2 #mom #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #cbt #dbt #insight #mentalillness #mentalconditions #journal #challenge #treasures #kids #mtg #greenlantern #willpower